Welcome to the ultimate survival guide for the modern corporate jungle. In an environment where perception is reality, it is not enough to simply do your job; you must master the fine art of appearing incredibly busy while accomplishing absolutely nothing. These ten golden rules, passed down through generations of seasoned slackers, will ensure you remain under the radar, impress your superiors with your dedicated "work ethic," and safeguard your weekends - all without lifting a finger. Read on, but handle with care; this is classified information!
1 Never walk without a document
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2 Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3 Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when they arrive.
4 Voice Mail Strategy
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Screen all your calls. Respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5 Look Impatient and Annoyed
One should always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6 Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines that you always wanted to read but have no time for. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am) and during public holidays.
9 Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
